


Dance, Like No One is Watching

by connormurphyfangirl (hamburrfangirl)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Theater, Anxiety, Ballet, Ballet Dancer Connor Murphy, Cute, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Reference Suicide Attempt, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Nutcrakcer, Pining, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-09-20 11:26:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17021799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburrfangirl/pseuds/connormurphyfangirl
Summary: Evan finally has a chance to be a part of his favorite ballet, The Nutcracker. Though he's staying in the shadows, he can feel the same magic he felt when he was just a child. The magic of the ballet isn't all that's catching his attention though. A dancer, a very handsome dancer, with eyes that enchant. Evan was a goner the second he saw him.But a misunderstanding might destroy any chance he had.





	Dance, Like No One is Watching

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Haleys_Raven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haleys_Raven/gifts).



> Please know that I have absolutely no knowledge on ballet, so excuse the many inaccuracies. I also don’t know a ton about how putting on a performance of this scale works, I was mostly using my experience in high school plays to write this. A minor trigger warning. There is discussion of a scar from an old suicide attempt, but it’d not graphic and very minor.

Evan’s alarm blared at him and he fumbled for his phone. Eyes blurry with sleep, he shut the noisy thing off. Setting his phone back down, the alluring comfort of his blankets tempted him. He took a few more minutes to resist that seductive warmth, but he managed with great difficulty. After a nice hot shower and a quick breakfast, he left for the theater.

“You look like death smacked you in the face,” Jared said, falling into step beside him. Jared had been Evan’s friend since middle school. Their parents became friends, so they had to as well. They’d had their rough patches in high school when anxiety and insecurities ran wild, but they’d communicated and move past it. Now, Jared was one of Evan’s closest friends.

“I’ve only had one cup of tea,” Evan replied. The last time he’d had a cup of coffee, he’d nearly vibrated out of his skin. He’d then had a panic attack over being unable to find matching socks. It had not been a good experience, and he now stuck firmly with tea. Jared chatted away as they walked. He talked about his night and complained about school. Jared was aiming to become a game developer, but he wasn’t enjoying the schooling he had to take first. Far too many late nights and difficult assignments.

Evan glanced over at the stage as they passed. Soft music was playing, and some dancers were stretching and practicing. There was only a handful there; the rest were still arriving. The room held a certain tension. Until that point, they had only rehearsed specific scenes. Today was the first time they were running through the entire ballet.

When Evan was a child, every Christmas his mother would save up enough money to take them to see the Nutcracker at their community theater. It was their tradition to see the performance. It didn’t matter that Evan had seen the Nutcracker a hundred times. The dancers’ talent always awed him. It was incredible; the way they moved their bodies. The control they had. Evan could only imagine how hard each dancer worked to achieve that level of flexibility and control.

Evan and Jared hung around the wings with the other members of the crew. They weren’t needed until the dancers were ready. Jared was staring down at his phone while one particular dancer held Evan’s gaze. Evan had noticed him on the first day and it didn’t take long for him to become attracted.

The dancer had a slender build and brown hair that was pulled back in a tight bun. Typically, the dancer wore black tights with a white t-shirt, both of which hugged all his muscles. Today though, he was dressed in costume. It was just a white button-up and black slacks and looked damn good, but Evan wasn’t just attracted to him for his looks. He had seen the kind way the dancer had interacted with both the crew and cast and his eyes danced with joy and mischief. It was obvious he loved to dance.

Evan was still staring when the dancer bent over to do his stretches. Evan only allowed himself a second before looking away. His face burned with shame and arousal. Jared grinned at him and leaned close.

“Pretty hot, right?” He said. Evan’s flush went all the way to his ears.

“Jared!” He hissed.

“You should ask him out.”

Evan gaped at him and shook his head. “No. Absolutely not. No way.”

“Why not?” Jared’s grin was wide. “You’re decent looking and he’s gorgeous. Match made in heaven.”

“No.”

Jared pouted at him, but Evan ignored him. There was absolutely no way he was asking the dancer out. Not only was the guy stunning and talented, but he was also so far out of Evan’s league he might as well be in another galaxy. Plus, there was the fear he was straight. The performance was scheduled for two weeks of shows every night, plus a matinee on Sundays. If Evan were to ask the dancer out and was flat out rejected (which was likely), they would be awkward around each other and Evan wouldn’t be able to escape.

The other dancers appeared a few minutes later, and after a half hour of stretching, they were ready to go. The crew launched into action and got things ready onstage. Props were handed to the actors, set pieces were set and lights were turned on. While this happened, the orchestra ran through a few warmups. Evan went over to the props table and checked that everything was in order. His job was a simple one. All he had to do was keep track of the props and help out a few dancers with quick costume changes. Jared was up in the control booth managing sound. He had been ecstatic when the stage manager had assigned him that job. Jared loved anything to do with technology.

Act One only had a few mishaps. Some lights were changed, a few props were forgotten. Other than that it was perfect. Second Act wasn’t so smooth. Evan winced whenever the dance instructor barked and snapped at her dancers.

“You are the only thing the audience will be focusing on!” She would yell. “They will notice even one mistake.”

Evan shivered at the thought of being in the dancers’ shoes. He’d probably break down in tears if she yelled at him like that.

“Connor!” The dance instructor snapped. The dancer Evan had noticed straightened. “You need to lift Alana higher than that.”

“Yes, Ms. McCulloch.”

Evan could’ve swooned at the sound of his voice. It was smooth like silk and just wrapped around Evan, giving him goosebumps. They ran through the scene and the dancer, Connor, lifted his partner higher.

“Excellent.” The instructor said, and they continued. Evan couldn’t stop staring at Connor. He and his partner were performing the Arabian dance and Connor’s costume looked very nice on him. It left plenty of his chest exposed for Evan to gawk at. Connor and his partner finished their dance and left the stage. Evan held out a water bottle and a towel for each of them. Connor took his with a tiny nod and a murmur of thanks before walking away while his partner grabbed hers with a bright grin and followed him.

The rest of the Second Act went by and soon, the dancers were heading for the dressing rooms to get the makeup off and change. Evan helped the rest of crew store any set pieces and made sure the props were back in their spots. He was heading for the front door to leave when he saw Connor hug a young woman with freckles. He watched and felt his heart fall to his stomach when the woman kissed his cheek. Connor rolled his eyes but he was grinning and they left together.

Evan walked home, heart heavy. He spoiled himself and bought takeout and dessert. He spent the evening eating food, watching TV, and feeling sorry for himself. The next morning he woke up feeling disgusting and pathetic. Why was he this upset? It wasn’t like he had ever even talked to Connor. So what if he had a girlfriend? That only confirmed that Evan’s choice to stay quiet was right.

So why did he feel so hurt?

He had a shower, took his meds, and skipped breakfast. After his binge last night, his stomach was rolling. He wasn’t sure he could eat anything without it coming back up. He didn’t have to be at the theater until two, so he spent his morning doing his reading and begin his essay for class. He left for the theater feeling accomplished. He only had to edit his essay and then he’d be good.

Rehearsal went by smoothly and despite his heartache, Evan couldn’t help but admire the way Connor moved. He was so graceful and beautiful. It was amazing to watch. Evan clapped softly when Connor and his partner Alana finished. As always, they were phenomenal. They stood still for a moment before leaving the stage, chests heaving.

Evan held out water bottles for them with a small smile. Connor smiled back and reached out to take it. As he did, Connor’s arm caught Evan’s gaze and his breath hitched. From Connor’s elbow to his wrist was a long, straight scar. Evan’s throat closed. The scar was too precise to be from an accident.

Suddenly, Connor’s arm went flying and Evan’s head snapped up. His heart fell at the closed-off expression on Connor’s face.

“Connor-“

“Excuse me.” Connor interrupted and hurried away. Evan desperately wanted to chase after him, to explain that he didn’t care about the scar; that it had just caught him off guard, but there was no time. He had to help other dancers and double check the props.

Time ticked by at an excruciating pace. Evan paced in the wings, mind whirling and nearly in tears. His heart pounded in his ears and he could barely stand it. He nibbled at his nails and by the time the dancers finally took their bows, his fingers were bleeding. The sting of pain felt so minor to the anguish and panic controlling his mind he barely noticed.

The wings felt overwhelming and his chest tightened with claustrophobia. He had to get out; he had to get out. The door slammed behind him and he sank to the ground. Harsh pants filled the still air as Evan tried to wrangle himself back under control.

There was a knock on the door and Evan stammered a ‘come in’.

“Evan? You all right?” Jared asked, closing the door behind him. He nestled himself beside Evan, giving him some space while also being a comforting presence. “You weren’t in the wings.”

“F-fine.” Evan bit out. He winced at his own curtness and ducked his head. His breathing was still shaky and quick, but with Jared beside him he gradually calmed down.

“I’m giving you a ride home,” Jared stated, handing Evan his jacket. Evan nodded before Jared’s words sank in.

“Wait!” He protested. “You don’t need to- I can, I’ll be fine on my, um on my own.” Evan stuttered. Jared only snorted and continued walking. Evan hesitated before following. He twisted his sleeves, guilt settling in his stomach.

The drive was silent. Evan stared out the window, brow furrowed as the buildings flew by. He had to fix this. He pursed his lips. Tomorrow would be opening night.

Evan officially decided that his anxiety was out for him. He took his meds but still, his hands trembled and his mind raced. Of all the days for his anxiety to lash out, it had to choose today. Jared seemed to realize how bad today was because he rambled on about a game idea he had and never once asked for Evan’s opinion. He didn’t even crack a joke at Evan’s expense.

“I’ll see you after the show.” He said and went up to the control booth. Evan watched him go before he headed for the dressing rooms. He had to find Connor and talk to him.

As it turned out, crew didn’t have time to talk with cast before opening night. The entire three hours before the show was to begin, Evan was helping dancers find costume pieces, props, and helping crew set everything up for Act One. He didn’t see Connor once amongst the chaos.

Act One finished in a roar of applause. Evan saw Connor as he flew about for Act Two, but there was no time to talk. Connor had to change costumes and redo his makeup, and Evan had to track down all the props for Act Two.

“G-good job. You killed it.” Evan stuttered when Connor and his partner came over for some water and towels. Evan pretended not to notice when Connor reached out with his right hand, left firm pinned to his side. Connor only offered him a curt nod before rushing off. His partner Alana gave him an apologetic smile.

Their opening night ended in a standing ovation. Aside from the Sugarplum Princess, The Nutcracker, and Clara, Alana and Connor received the most applause. Their solo had been beautiful to watch, even more fantastic than the dress rehearsals.

Evan was placing the last props back on the table when he saw Connor shrugging on his coat.

“Connor,” Evan called, running up to the dancer. “Can we talk?” He asked. “Please?”

Connor eyed him and his eyes darted away. “My family is waiting for me.” He replied. “I have to go.”

“ _Please_ , Connor.”

He paused. “You free tomorrow? At lunch?”

Evan nodded.

“There’s um, there’s a cafe just down the road. Called Dark House.” Connor pursed his lips. “We could meet up then? At like twelve or something.”

“Y-yeah. Yeah, that sounds um, perfect.” Evan’s smile was wobbly but Connor didn’t comment. With a stiff and awkward nod, Connor walked away.

Evan left the theater feeling more hopeful than he had in years. The last time he’d felt like this was when Jared had sent him a cryptic text that only read:  _‘I really need to talk to you. Library at lunch?’_

The text had sent Evan into a minor panic attack, but underneath all the overwhelming anxiety had been so much goddamn hope it was nearly suffocating. Connor was giving him a second chance. Evan and Jared had managed to resolve their undeniably complicated relationship than surely he and Connor could do the same.

Evan got up extra early the following day. He had an extra long shower, ensured he took his meds (his anxiety was bad enough already, he didn’t want it to get worse) and spent the rest of the morning going over what he would say.

Entering the cafe reminded him of his first therapy appointment. He was full of nerves and sworn that everyone near him was judging him and realizing what a freak he was. He was about to just grab a table, but then considered that he might get kicked out if he bought nothing. He went to the line and waited. He stared at the option of food and drink, mentally calculating how much money he had, what would be the easiest thing for the worker to make, and what would take the least amount of talking. He settled on green tea. Simple and easy. At least this time he didn’t panic and accidentally order a black coffee.

He got his green tea and gave the barista a smile. Judging by the strange look he received, it probably resembled a grimace more than anything. He only had to wait five minutes for Connor to arrive. The sight of Connor bundled up in a scarf, puffy jacket, and black army boots were too much for Evan to handle. It simply wasn’t fair to be that attractive. How did he look good with his hair up and down?

Connor sat down with his coffee.

“Um, hello.” Evan stuttered. His face burned and his fingers fumbled for his cup. Connor’s fingers curled around his own cup and he took a sip.

“Hi.” He replied.

The silence was thick between them and Evan scrambled for something to say.

“I um, I. Your scarf is nice.” He grimaced and hid behind his cup. What the fuck was that? That wasn’t what they were here to talk about!

“Thank you?” Connor’s eyes were confused but there was a fondness there that Evan had never noticed before. He slowly put his cup down and came out of his turtle shell.

“I uh, I want to start off, um, apologizing for the other day? It was, I didn’t mean to, to stare.” Evan paused. He reached for his left arm and tugged his sleeve down. Along his forearm was a jagged scar. “I got this, um, in senior year.” He said. “I, I fell out of a tree, actually.”

Connor stared at his scar for a brief second before looking up. “You fell out of a tree?” He repeated.

“Y-yeah. I, I don’t mean to be rude but-“

“It’s from a suicide attempt.” Connor interrupted. Evan’s breath caught, and he went still. Connor shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.” He muttered. “Happened ages ago, I’m over it.”

“M-mine too.” Evan blurted. Connor frowned. “Uh, I, I didn’t um, fall. I let go.”

Connor’s eyes widened almost comically. “O-oh, I, um, I’m sorry um,” he stammered. He stared at his lap. “Mine was senior year too.” He murmured. “I’m on meds now, are, are you?” He swallowed. “Are you, are you better? Like, getting help?”

Evan smiled slightly and nodded. “I’m way better now.” He said softly. “I see a therapist once a month and take medication.”

“That’s, that’s good.” Connor jerked a nod. “I uh, take meds too. And like, see a therapist once a week. Being a dancer is stressful you know? So, my uh mom gets worried...” he trailed off. He blushed.

“I get that.” Evan rushed. “My mom is a major worrier. She used to call me every night, just to make sure I wasn’t stressing. I have anxiety, by the way.”

Connor laughed, and it was like the sun was beaming directly on Evan. He felt so warm. “I uh, kinda figured.”

“Anyway, I’m sorry for staring. I was just surprised is all.”

“I get that. Sorry for overreacting.” Connor blushed and resumed staring at his lap. He opened his mouth only to immediately shut it.

“Would you,” he stopped again. His cheeks were darker now. “Would you like to do this again?” He asked voice barely a whisper.

Evan couldn’t breathe. He felt like he had a grenade in his throat, just waiting to go off. His heart was hammering in his chest. “As in, as in a-a date?”

“If you want.” Connor breathed.

“I’d, y-yes. I’d um, I’d like that.”

Silence.

“So-

“Would you like-“

They both stopped and laughed.

“Sorry-“

“You can go ahead-“

Connor laughed softly and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear.

“What day are you available?” He asked. “For me, I’m only busy with the performances and uh, I see my therapist on Fridays.”

“Maybe lunch on Saturday?” Evan offered. “We could walk to the theater together.”

“Yeah, that sounds perfect.”

Connor smile was a small, secretive thing. Evan didn’t see it often, and he relished being the one to coax it out.

“Maybe eleven this time?” Evan asked.

Connor nodded. “We’ll meet here and I’ll take you to my favorite diner.”

They stayed at the cafe for another hour before Connor had to leave. He’d left his dance shoes at home and needed to grab them. Evan went to the theater on cloud nine. Connor was even better than his fantasies. Sweet, and thought. If Evan knew better, he’d say he was in love.

Jared noticed his dopey smile almost immediately.

“You got laid!” He cried gleefully.

“Jared!” Evan shrieked.

“What? No one has a grin like that unless they banged.”

“I did not have sex!” Evan hissed. His blush darker and he smiled. “U got a date.” He whispered.

“Go, Evan!” Jared cheered. “Who is it?” His smile turned wicked, and he leaned. “It’s the smoking hot dancer, isn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Evan admitted.

“How d’you manage it?” Jared asked, following him into the wings.

“Um, well, we had a misunderstanding. Connor gave me, he gave me a second chance and um, he asked me out.” Just the memory made Evan smile, happiness and giddiness squeezing his chest. “We’re having lunch on Saturday and then walking to the theater together.”

Jared smirked. “Sounds like your kind of date. You gonna be able to talk for four hours?”

“We talked for three today,” said Evan. “It’s so easy to talk to him. Especially since we got all our uh, our baggage out already.”

“Oh?”

“I told him,” Evan said. “We uh, we both talked about some stuff and I showed him my scar and explained. And well.” He stopped. “It’s not my story to tell.”

Jared eyed him but left it. While hanging around in the wings, Evan saw Connor. The two exchanged small grins. Alana walked up to Connor, and they went to the dressing rooms, heads bent together.

If Connor hadn’t mentioned that Alana was a massive lesbian, Evan might’ve felt insecure. Alana was gorgeous after all. Sexuality hadn’t come up between them and Evan was curious how Connor identified. However, he knew how private it was. Connor would tell him when he was ready. All that mattered now was that they were going on a date.

The theater filled up quickly. When Evan snuck a peak, the seats were packed. Only the back row remained mostly empty.

When Connor and Alana came to get their water by Second Act, Evan stared shamelessly. Connor blushed at the attention and Alana giggled.

“See you after the show.” Connor murmured as he passed. Evan managed to sneak a quick kiss before the dancers left.

Evan waited in front of the cafe, playing a game on his phone.

“Hey, Evan,” Connor said. Evan looked up and blushed. Connor was wearing a formfitting jacket, skinny jeans, and a thick wool scarf. The scarf reached his cheekbones, hiding a faint flush from the cold.

“Where to?” Evan asked. Connor pointed down the street.

“It’s two blocks.” He said. Then he reached for Evan’s hand and Evan’s brain short-circuited. By the time it came back online, Connor was already leading him down the street. Even through their gloves, Evan could still feel Connor’s warmth.

The diner was relatively quiet and only a handful of people were there.

“I uh, I figured you’d like someplace quiet,” Connor explained once they went up to order. “With,” he shuffled his feet. “With your anxiety and stuff.”

How was this man even real?

“Thanks,” Evan said, squeezing his hand. Connor looked at their linked hands as if he’d forgotten that they’d been holding hands.

They sat at a table, across from one another. Connor had a hot chocolate and a croissant while Evan had chamomile tea and a sandwich. They ate in silence, each time their eyes met, giggles would burst from their chests.

Eventually, they ran out of food. Connor broke the awkward silence with a long-winded story of his sister. He talked a lot about his family, but Evan noticed that it was either recent or from their childhoods. Though, Evan supposed that made sense. Who wanted to talk about their teen years?

The topic switched to Evan and he went on to explain what degree he was taking. It was a science major and Evan was hoping to become a botanist. Connor told him he was sticking with dance. He didn’t have a clue what he would do after. He was thinking of becoming an instructor, but he wasn’t any good with children.

“Maybe you could be like Mrs. McCulloch,” Evan suggested and Connor shrugged.

“Maybe.”

The rest of the time was spent wandering around. They stumbled upon a park and Connor ran to the swings.

“I would always push Zoe when we were kids.” He said. “But she would never push me.”

“I-I’ll push you.” Evan offered. Connor’s laugh and smile were worth the strain on his arms.

They walked hand in hand to the theater. Connor paused for a second before quickly pecking Evan on the cheek.

“See you later.” He said. Evan’s smile lasted for the entire ballet.

Evan grabbed the bouquet off the table and fiddled with the ribbon. He and Connor had been dating for a week now and Evan wanted to give him something a little special. Plus, it was closing night. 

The dancers took their bows and Evan grinned when he saw the standing ovation. There had been thundering applause all night. Evan couldn’t be more proud of his boyfriend. Once the curtains shut, Connor left the stage. His eyes widened when he saw Evan standing in the wings. 

“Evan?” He questioned, eyeing the flowers.

“For you,” Evan answered. He handed them to Connor and pressed his lips to his. “You did a terrific job.” He murmured, kissing him again. He pulled back and smiled. “I love you.”

Connor smiled back and pressed his forehead to Evan’s. “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I based Connor and Alana's dance off of this video: [ Arabian Dance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_lipLgLPkY) (I was originally gonna have them do this, but then changed my mind:[ Russian Arabian Dance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sEgjXxjxIw))
> 
> Come talk to me on my tumblr [connormurphyfangirl](https://connormurphyfangirl.tumblr.com)!


End file.
